Today is a good day.
I’ve had a fair number of good days recently, but this morning I woke up
knowing that I am getting better. I’ve been scared of getting better in case I
relapse into another severe depression, one that I don’t know I’ll have the
strength to recover from. I am still a
bit scared about this, but I am pretty certain that the three months of
cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), the right medication, and some truly
positive influences in my life have given me the tools to manage any relapses.
Depression is a part of me, it’s not ever going to not be
there so I am learning to embrace it, and see that it can be channelled positively.
If I wasn’t depressed, I’d never have
started this blog - imagine how much the poorer your lives would be without it,
eh?! I think depression makes me funny. I can take the mickey and get away with
it because I’m a depressive. It gives me
an edge. Depression can give you
insights into your own self, not always accurate and quite often self-loathing,
but when you can step away from it a bit, you do learn a lot about how and why
you think the way you do – after all, all those hours spent away with the
fairies inside your own head have to be good for something, right?
I’ve started noticing beauty again. A hydrangea in bloom, my boyfriend’s sleeping
face, a giggling child, the smell of oranges. It’s like the world is in technicolour;
sights, sounds and smells are in focus. And get this, I don’t hate myself. I think I’m
alright, really. It’s been so long since I’ve thought that, and I feel giddy.
I was so proud of myself, walking home from my penultimate
therapy session this afternoon. I could
have skipped but that would look somewhat out of place on Tottenham High Road,
so I contented myself with smiling; beaming actually.
Being happy is hard work sometimes, but it’s worth the
effort. Although, what the hell I'm going to blog about now, I have no bloody idea.
Oh! Has brought happy tears to my eyes!
ReplyDeleteYou know I am in a similar place. Isn't it amazing, darling heart?
Love you, xx
I know you are sweetness, I'm sure the #foodstatus has helped us both enormously :) xx
DeleteSo pleased for you.
ReplyDeleteThank you :) x
DeleteDepression is a bugger, isn't it? I'm always very happy to hear when somebody bests it. Your point about losing the ability to be properly happy struck a chord. I find counselling a difficult thing, but it certainly seems to have worked for you. That makes me kinda happy! :-D
ReplyDeleteI had counselling years ago but it only worked in the short term, I now recognise. The difference I've found with CBT is that it's structured and goal-orientated so you have to work at it, as opposed to counselling which, whilst I liked being able to off-load on someone it wasn't like I was taking away anything, or learning coping strategies. I know CBT isn't for everyone, I have friends who really disagree with it, but I have found it really helpful and relatively easy to embed in my day to day life. Good luck with everything and thanks for being happy for me :) xx
DeleteYou are awesome, Bearface! I'm so proud of how far you've come. So much of your post resonates with me. I'm just about dragging myself out of my own depression, and there is that fear there that it will all come back and hit me again, but even harder next time. Hopefully we've now both got the tools to deal with it and prevent ourselves sliding in to the pit of deep depression.
ReplyDeleteYou're fabulous, and I'm so glad to hear that you are having happy days again :).
Lots of love xxx
Oh! That 'unknown' poster was me - PJMardy! xx
ReplyDeleteAm educated guess told me it was you Peej! So proud of us xx
DeleteVery well written piece.
ReplyDeleteThank you.
JC