Wednesday, 23 July 2014

Feeling gloomy

I am feeling terribly gloomy right now.

I haven't written anything on here for ages, mainly because I've been unwell and not feeling very articulate, which is funny as I keep getting told by health professionals that I'm very articulate for a depressed person, as if my varied vocabulary is an indicator that I'm not really that ill - although that's a whole other blog post.

I've been getting increasingly more ill for quite a while and it's with a heavy heart that I've had to admit to myself and everyone around me that the job I got a year ago has been a contributory factor in that. It was the job that was supposed to be the start of Great Things for me.  Back on the career ladder, the only way is up etc etc. I always had a niggling suspicion that I might not be able to manage a full time job in central London at a prestigious and pressurised institution after the experiences and breakdown I had the last time I was in something similar but I told myself not to be so negative and to think of all the good things having this job could enable me to do.  I managed to convince pretty much everyone, myself included for a time, that everything was A-OK.

It wasn't and so now I've resigned.  My management have been really great, I don't think they could have been more supportive, but at the end of the day the job that 4 years ago would have been a perfect fit, was just a bit too big for me.  It's unbelievably shit to know you're not up to the job.  My one glimpse of light on the horizon though, is that I do know it was that job, that place and this time in particular - I am capable of working, I have good skills that I can definitely use, I just have to remember that I'm not the same person I was 4 years ago and adapt my thinking accordingly. Ideally I'm looking for 1 or 2 part time jobs still in my industry, preferably without a long commute. I think it's doable.

That's it really. There's a ton of other stuff I could blather on about - we're moving, I've got no money coming in, fear of signing on -  but I'm not sure I'm in the frame of mind where putting pen to paper (yes, yes, not really) about it  is going to do anything other than send me spiralling into the catastrophising-vicious-circle-of-Hell so I'm going to stop now.  Oh but before I do, thank you. Those of you who tweet me and comment on here really do an amazing job of keeping me walking in a forwards direction. I don't know I'd manage it without you.  No pressure or anything ;)