Wednesday, 23 July 2014

Feeling gloomy

I am feeling terribly gloomy right now.

I haven't written anything on here for ages, mainly because I've been unwell and not feeling very articulate, which is funny as I keep getting told by health professionals that I'm very articulate for a depressed person, as if my varied vocabulary is an indicator that I'm not really that ill - although that's a whole other blog post.

I've been getting increasingly more ill for quite a while and it's with a heavy heart that I've had to admit to myself and everyone around me that the job I got a year ago has been a contributory factor in that. It was the job that was supposed to be the start of Great Things for me.  Back on the career ladder, the only way is up etc etc. I always had a niggling suspicion that I might not be able to manage a full time job in central London at a prestigious and pressurised institution after the experiences and breakdown I had the last time I was in something similar but I told myself not to be so negative and to think of all the good things having this job could enable me to do.  I managed to convince pretty much everyone, myself included for a time, that everything was A-OK.

It wasn't and so now I've resigned.  My management have been really great, I don't think they could have been more supportive, but at the end of the day the job that 4 years ago would have been a perfect fit, was just a bit too big for me.  It's unbelievably shit to know you're not up to the job.  My one glimpse of light on the horizon though, is that I do know it was that job, that place and this time in particular - I am capable of working, I have good skills that I can definitely use, I just have to remember that I'm not the same person I was 4 years ago and adapt my thinking accordingly. Ideally I'm looking for 1 or 2 part time jobs still in my industry, preferably without a long commute. I think it's doable.

That's it really. There's a ton of other stuff I could blather on about - we're moving, I've got no money coming in, fear of signing on -  but I'm not sure I'm in the frame of mind where putting pen to paper (yes, yes, not really) about it  is going to do anything other than send me spiralling into the catastrophising-vicious-circle-of-Hell so I'm going to stop now.  Oh but before I do, thank you. Those of you who tweet me and comment on here really do an amazing job of keeping me walking in a forwards direction. I don't know I'd manage it without you.  No pressure or anything ;)

2 comments:

  1. *sends many pairs of forward facing shoes*

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  2. Long John Hill23 July 2014 at 11:04

    I get you completely on the "articulate" part. I've said a few times of late that people with mental health problems shouldn't have to be seen as if they should wear sackcloth and ashes and announce their presence with a bell. We have phases when we look and act just like any other Functioning Member Of Society but just because we smile and have a laugh at times doesn't mean that we're able to perform at that level every day. Even when we do sometimes it's forced and sometimes it's natural but that's for only us to know.

    My last job saw me back in my home town, in my regular profession, and with a company renowned in the industry for forward thinking, treating people like people and generally doing things "right". I only lasted six months due to my mental health getting the better of me and not really having any medical arrangements in place. I felt ashamed with myself at blowing what looked like a golden chance but in retrospect I probably aimed too high and too soon,.I haven't worked since but hope to again at some point when I feel able to do things consistently and regularly.

    I do hope everything comes together for you soon. Things often occur in phases so I shall break from my usual cloak of pessimism and wish you and Mr Bearface all the very best!

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